This is one of the hardest and longest posts that I have ever written.
It is long, and I would love for you to stay until the end.
And as I sit here writing this with tears welling in my eyes.
My ego screaming at me to stop writing, “what are you doing”.
Yet I feel a sense of calm and support as if a thousand hands are holding me up.
I feel a tug inside of my soul and inner goddess yearning to share this story.
If you had told me a couple of years ago that I would be sharing this story.
I would have thought you were crazier than how I felt at the time.
But it is time.
I am being gently nudged by my angels.
And my closed throat chakra.
To write this story to share with you.
If this is something you are going through.
I want you to close your eyes.
And imagine me giving you the biggest hug.
Even though I don’t know you, we are all connected.
And your pain is my pain as well.
I know what it feels like to be in the place you are in.
And I am a living testament that you can transform yourself, and your life.
My hope is that by sharing this story it will give you some hope.
Even if just a glimmer to start on your journey of transformation and healing.
Or at least get you through the next day.
To know that you are not alone.
You are not broken.
And that there are thousands of women just like you out there.
Holding their hands and hearts out to help you through the darkness and into the light.
They are your angels in the form of mothers, wives, sisters, daughters, grandmas and friends.
All waiting for you to call on them for help.
Please always know that depression is not a sign of weakness.
It is a sign that you have tried to be strong for too long.
Please be gentle with yourself.
And know that what ever you choose to do to help yourself feel better.
That is perfect for you.
We are all on our own journey’s.
I come to you with a heart full of love and gratitude, and zero judgement.
This is my journey, and my revelations and my story.
And if your story or feelings are different, then thats ok.
And what ever you do on your journey to healing into wholeness is perfect for you.
This, is my story……..
All three of my pregnancies and post-partum periods have been different.
My first was beautiful yet fearful, full of insecurities, and guilt.
No trust in myself, my body or my intuition.
I was diagnosed with post-natal depression when my first born baby was 5 months old.
I remember beating myself up inside.
The disgusting way I though and spoke to myself, the blame.
I had a big beautiful baby boy and yet feelings of sadness welled up inside.
I remember saying to my sister with tear filled eyes “Its not supposed to be like this”.
I had visions of cuddling my husband.
While staring at our peaceful, sleeping baby.
……Yeh what a load of bull shit.
My baby boy had silent reflux and he wouldn’t sleep for very long during the day.
I tried everything.
Then he would scream from sheer exhaustion for hours at night until he finally fell asleep.
I was exhausted.
My husband was exhausted.
And Our marriage suffered.
To be honest I don’t remember much of that time in detail.
I remember taking medication and having brain sparks.
I remember feeling like I was a space cadet.
I remember having an inner knowing that I wanted to stop my medication, so I weaned myself slowly.
I remember walking and sunlight therapy being my savours to get me through the days.
I remember feeling like this must be all there is, that this is how it was meant to be.
I remember being so tired, all I wanted to do was sleep.
And I remember moving through those months, putting on a brave face.
Getting up at 5am to make sure I could get out the house by 9am to make it to our weekly mothers meetings.
Where everyone told us how well they were doing, how amazing their babies were doing.
How easy breast feeding was, how crappy their husbands were.
And I remember thinking that there must be something wrong with me.
Why did I find it so hard.
All I ever wanted to do was be a mum, what was wrong with me.
I constantly thought to myself.
I remember getting pregnant with my baby girl when my son was 8 months old.
I remember crying.
I always wanted 3 children, so she was most certainly wanted, but I doubted myself.
My ability to be a mother and give my babies all they needed.
My ability to love another little person.
For I didn’t even love myself so I could never see how this was possible.
And my pregnancy with my daughter was the most stressful, hardest time I can remember.
Our family was ripped off by a con man, and my sister spiralled even further into her own darkness.
My mama and sister moved away up the coast to help with my sisters healing.
I felt so alone.
But I’m good at hiding things, at keeping them inside.
And to this day no-one knew how dark it got inside of me.
This was supposed to be one the happiest times in my life, but it was awful.
So many tears.
And now as I write this, my guilt still comes up.
For looking at my daughter, she is the most precious and sensitive soul.
She knows what she wants and is so determined to get there.
So intuitive, and at the same time very emotional and unable to handle any amount of stress.
I remember hearing a documentary about how your pregnancy effects your unborn child.
So stressful pregnancies increase the cortisol levels in your baby, so they can not handle stressful situations very well.
Did I do this? I think to myself. So I did do this.
So much guilt.
But as I have been on my journey.
I have come to realise that this was part of her journey as well.
And now I know that.
So we are in this together .
And we work together.
And we have a bond, that is unspeakable, but we both know that its there.
I don’t remember much of the first few months of my daughters life, which saddens me.
I remember when she was born, and the first time I saw her.
She was, and is perfect.
I was shocked and amazed that me as broken as I felt, could create something so miraculous, so beautiful and so perfect.
But I was broken, or I felt that way.
I knew I loved her so much, but at the same time we did not bond for months.
I resented everything, and was in such a dark place, that everything and everyone felt like a burden to me.
I remember the horrific visions in my head.
I knew I would never hurt my baby, but I had terrible visions.
I remember driving with my babies one day.
And with a flash I visioned driving over to the other side of the road and ending it all.
I pulled the car over and cried.
I prayed for the first time in my life.
I prayed that I just wanted this feeling to be gone.
I prayed that I just wanted to feel better.
I prayed that I wanted to stop feeling so lost, alone, sad and confused.
And that day something changed.
Or was it that I knew something had to change.
I had hit the furthest rock bottom place I could go.
And if it hadn’t have been for my kids, I don’t know where it may have gone.
I started researching on the internet.
I started walking more.
Some days I would put my babies in the pram and walk for hours until I felt better.
I started to listen to person development audio books as I walked.
And I can still remember the book that pulled me out of the darkness.
It was ‘No Matter What’ by Lisa Nichols.
Lisa’s story of going through her own darkness gave me hope.
I remember Lisa from the Secret and I had heard an interview with her.
I knew I needed to get her book.
So I did.
That book changed my life.
And then more books, then I started buying angel cards and learning about my angels.
Over the course of about 2 years things started to get better.
I started meditating, and reconnecting with the power of crystals.
And in the process I reconnected with my soul and transformed myself from the inside out.
And I’m not saying it was easy.
In fact it was fucking hard.
Probably one of the hardest things I have ever done.
But I am so stubborn that I was determined to feel better, for my family, for my babies and for me.
Slowly things got better, and I realised that thing I had been looking for.
Searching for, although I didn’t realise I was searching.
Was right in front of me.
I had found ME.
I never knew I was capable of so much love until I had children.
But I didn’t realise that in loving my children so much, I would also grow to love me as well.
And as I grew to love me, my connection to everyone around me became deeper and more sacred.
I opened my heart to my soul and my purpose.
To help other mammas heal into wholeness, reconnect with the true essence of who they are, discover their purpose, and nurture their soul and that of their children.
And then the birth of my third child just 9 short months ago and post-partum period has been completely different to that of my previous two children.
It has brought up a lot of memories, guilt, sadness that I thought I had healed and released.
My third pregnancy was the most magical, sacred and healing experience of my life.
I did a lot of my angel therapy, crystal and energy healing courses while pregnant.
I did all of my preparation for a natural birth.
And although things didn’t go according to plan.
I thought I had healed this part of me.
But perhaps I didn’t heal as well as I had hoped.
I thought she was gone.
But 6 months on from the birth of my third child I realised my dark friend was never truly gone.
How can I ever, truly be whole and yet deny this part of myself.
The part of myself that grows stronger with each day that I deny the truth that she is there.
And so as some of you will remember I wrote about how I was feeling.
And with that a sense of relief of having surrendered to these feelings of sadness, came over me.
For months after the birth, I had pushed on, putting on a happy face, trying to be strong for everyone else around me.
Looking at the world and seeing everyone and everything as a facade and so inauthentic.
When it was me who was inauthentic.
I was the one being un-thruthful, and fraud and a liar.
Why, because I was so afraid.
My inner child screamed…….’they won’t like you’….’no-one will come to be healed and helped’.
And now I realise that she is just a scared little girl.
Looking for someone to trust and take her had and say “its ok….I’m scared too….we will do this together”
And having been through this journey before I was more aware than ever of what I needed to do to help myself feel better.
And perhaps the reason this came back to me again was to push me to tell my story –
Something I have been guided to do for months, but denied it –
And so the feelings of darkness and sadness grew perhaps because I did not share.
Perhaps because I kept them hidden away in the closet like a secret – only to fuel the strength, until one day the sadness engulfs me, the thoughts take over.
And perhaps she also comes to remind me.
To remind me to take care of myself.
To do the things which nurture and nourish me in mind, body and soul.
To take the time for me, wholeheartedly, completely, sacredly.
To be honest and truthful about who I am, and what I stand for.
To know that I am enough, and that there is no one I’d rather be, than me.
And perhaps my lesson is to learn that our darkness is always a part of us – some call it our shadow.
And when we come to realise that battling a part of ourselves just makes that part stronger and more persistent.
And perhaps it is not to try to fix this part of ourselves, because we are never truly broken.
But rather embrace it and recognise that this is part of who we are, and that it serves as a warning sign that we have been neglecting ourselves for far too long.
That we give so much of ourselves to others, without giving to ourselves first.
And perhaps this has paid me a visit again to remind me to push me to share my story.
For I have held back for so long through fear.
After all who wants to work with a wounded healer.
But perhaps the greatest healing and release comes through sharing our stories and bringing us together in love, gratitude and support, to hold each others hands and say I’m scared, I’m afraid, but lets do this together.
Perhaps in sharing this story I can finally set her free.
Being in a 9 personal year, this is my year to let go of everything from the past nine years that no longer serves me going forward.
Perhaps this is it.
I do not truly know.
I don’t have all the answers, but I do know that this time is different.
I am more aware than ever before.
And perhaps that awareness is a way that I can help others.
So here I am with my heart broken wide open, to you gorgeous soul.
To tell you that I know.
I know how hard it is to get up in the morning.
I know how hard it is to put that foot in front of the other some days.
And I know that you feel like this is never going to end.
But I want you to know that it will.
I want you to know that your darkness has come to help you find the light again.
The light that exists within you.
And I want you to know that even if we have never met.
We are connected.
I am here shining the light to help you through just one more day.
Always remember beautiful soul, that without darkness the stars would not shine.
I love you
I believe in you
And I thank you, for being here with me
And if you a reading this and know someone who is going through their own darkness, be with them, and be there for them.
All My Love and Gratitude