I smacked my daughter.
After all of the work I’ve done to try and change my inner programming, this morning, I lost my cool and smacked her.
After a stressful few days, I popped.
There is no excuse.
I do not have one.
I lost my temper.
I tried to be calm.
But I couldn’t hold it in anymore.
Before I knew it, it was done.
My daughter in tears and me hiding away in the toilet, with the shame coming over me.
Listening to her cries, knowing that I’d betrayed her.
Broken her trust and damaged that bond we have.
Being the mother that I never wanted to be – one that smacks her child.
And now the damage is done.
And now I have to do my best to repair, and build it up again.
I’d like to say this was the first time its happened.
But its not. I was brought up with being smacked – although not very often, its been in my programming.
And I’ve tried my hardest the change that programming, learning and reading every parenting book, finding other ways to work through these situations, releasing and working on my own crap, finding ways to release what I need to release.
But like someone who has fallen off the wagon I feel so much shame.
I was going so well I think to myself.
But the truth is I have a lot of anger inside of me.
And despite everything I know and have done – it brings me embaressment and shame to admit that.
And this morning, my sweet little innocent daughter was the trigger of that anger.
And it wasn’t even about her.
I am angry at the world.
I am angry at the human race.
I am angry that I feel selfish for bringing my kids into this world, when lets be honest – its pretty fucked up.
I am angry at me – for not letting it out. for not letting my voice be heard.
Yep I can sit there and meditate all I want.
And try not to focus on the negative, crap happeing in this world. But the truth is, its impossible to ignore or switch it off.
Its always there.
I feel angry because I have so much to say. Yet I’m so afraid of saying it.
I’m so afraid, that I feel like I’m going to burst.
I want to scream.
I want to shake the world.
And tell everyone to wake the fuck up.
I know that there are mamas out there judging me right now.
Saying I’m a bad mother, and don’t deserve to be mum.
so why am I sharing this?
Because I have to get it out.
I have to express all that is going on.
Because I also know there are mums out there, who are saying thank God – she makes mistakes.
And the truth is, I make a lot of fucken mistakes – especially in the area of raising my kids.
Trying to unlearn everything that I’ve ever known – and relearn something new.
Sometimes I fall down, and slip back into my old programming.
And sometimes that old programming comes back…to serve as a message……..a message that its never really about our kids.
A message that its always about us.
About us owning our anger. Owning our message. Owning our shit that seems to come up so often.
And so now I have the job of fixing that bond, with my daughter.
And it began with saying sorry.
I calmed myself down, and held her.
I held her so tightly, feeling her heart beat against mine.
I sent love from my heart to hers.
I said that I was sorry.
That I made a mistake.
That I didn’t handle my anger well – at all.
And that I had started feeling at the end of my teather after a really trying few days.
She has been angry to. Trying to hold it all together.
And just like me – her anger had displayed in an unhealthy way.
I thanked her for being my beautiful divine mirror – for showing me the parts of me that I had not been acknowledging.
I thanked her for helping me to see how important it is to share my voice and my message – no matter how it may trigger people out there.
Today I have wrapped her in a bubble of light.
And I will send her heart messages of love all day.
Tonight I will hold her, and do our normal nightly routine.
I will go in when she is sleeping and gently stroke her, and whisper sweet statements into her ear – trying to create a different belief and pathway in her subconscious.
I will connect with her soul while I sleep, and do my best to make sure she knows how much she is loved, like the divine gift she is.
Yes, it would have been better if this didn’t happen at all.
Of course it would have.
But it is done. And I can sit here, telling myself what a horrible mother I am. And tear myself down.
Or I can pick myself up, forgive myself, do what I know I need to do to help repair the bond and fill my daughter back up.
And learn from this.
For this is now a memory in my mind which serves as a reminder.
An important lesson, of what happens when I don’t meditate in the morning.
An important lesson of what happens when I don’t express my message and share what I need to say.
An important lesson, that our children our our mirrors, and that when they are angry, or frustrated, and it triggers us – that its a sign that we are not acknowledging it within ourselves.
Its been so long since I blogged.
And I had envisioned my first blog post being different to this – but what better way to bring myself back than to share my failings as a mother – in the hope that it helps at least one of you out there – who had a shit morning like me – know you are not alone.
Love and gratitude
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