I see their gorgeous smiling faces, their love and connection – my beautiful soul sisters spreading their wings, hanging with each other, chatting and connecting.
And I feel a sense of love and absolute gratitude.
And then I notice the sadness.
That tinge of fear that I am being left behind
That tinge of jealousy that I am not there.
The fear that I am missing out.
I feel it in my stomach, it tightens and my breath becomes shallow.
A feeling of absolute loneliness and sadness surrounds me.
My eyes begin to fill with tears.
And as I close them, a tear falls to my reddened cheek – burning with the shame of these feelings.
And I ask, to be shown what my heart wants me to know?
I am transported to me, at 15 years old
It is a Friday night, after a long week at school.
I have just got off the phone to my “best friend’s” mum.
Oh she has gone to *Kylie’s house for a sleepover – she told me
There are 4 of of us in our bestie girls group – we hang on the weekends, and chat after school.
They bring me pictures of Keanu Reeves (my biggest high school crush) and we talk about the boys we like, and the girls we don’t.
They are my girls – at least I though they were.
My stomach drops – no one had called me.
So I decide to call Kylie.
She answers the phone with a giggle.
“Oh whats going on” – I ask.
She tells me its her brother jumping on the bed – but I know its my “best friend”.
I know she is there, but Kylie does not say anything, and neither do I.
She keeps the charade going. Laughing and being silly.
But I’m so frozen in my pain.
So scared that this could actually be happening.
Stuck in my jealousy that I am not there.
And my fear that I am missing out.
And the absolute betrayal, that is breaking my heart
Kylie tells me that, *Lisa ( the other girl in our group) is going over to stay.
My stomach plummets.
The realisation hits.
They are having a sleepover without me.
To the 15 year old me this is the ultimate betrayal.
The lying and cheating.
My heart shatters.
My mind races – what did I do wrong?
Why are they so mean?
Why am I being left out?
And that night as I hung up the phone
I made an agreement, a vow that this would never happen again.
That I would never be so open and vulnerable as to have my trust broken.
To never completely surrender to the love of women, to be left out, ignored or forgotten.
And so it has served me.
That betrayal and sadness was never felt so deep again.
But as I sit here longing for connection.
Longing for an impromptu evening of laughter, and wine.
An invite to escape to the forest or the coast.
A friend to laugh with. Or to hear me when I want to vent about my husband or my shitty day.
I come to the realisation why this has been so hard.
Why nurturing friendships has always been so foreign to me.
Why picking up the phone to cast an invitation has always felt so scarey – what if she says no.
But as I sit here letting my tears flow.
I embrace the 15 year old me.
I tell her that its ok to be sad.
I hold her so close.
I tell her that one day she will meet her tribe.
She will meet her circle of soul sisters and they will be so delicious she will find it hard to believe.
She will feel unworthy and so undeserving.
She will pinch herself that these divine, gorgeous women can actually be real.
She will try to push them away.
But they will stay.
Because they have grown enough on their own journey to be expansive enough to hold space for her and see the light for her even when she can not.
I tell her, that one day she can stop resisting.
That one day she stop fighting.
And that one day she can surrender to the love and support of her soul sisters.
That one day she will feel their arms of support around her, lifting her – whether they are physically there or not.
And as my pain lifts and my tears dry.
I know its time to let all of this go.
I forgive me, I forgive you, I release you, Its time to let you go.
For I am not a 15 year old teenager anymore – awkward in my body – insecure in myself – uncomfortable in my own skin – fearing my own power and gifts.
I am a women.
A strong, divinely feminine soul who has chosen these challenges to help with my evolution and expansion.
I am a creator and giver of life.
I have a great big heart which is just bursting to share. To heal and to love.
And I AM ENOUGH.
And YOU are enough.
And the fear of missing out, is just an illusion of my beautiful egoic mind.
For I am exactly where I am supposed to be in this time and space of divine creation.
And so are you.
Love and gratitude
(*names have been changed)
Have you experienced anything like this? I’d love to know. Did sharing my experience help? Please leave me a comment below – I’d love to hear from you.