Hi gorgeous mama,
As you know a lot has been going on for me over the past few weeks.
Most notably my trip to LA.
And if you don’t know, you can check out my last blog post here.
So it was an experience stepping so far out of my comfort zone, leaving my family, going to a foreign country, jet lag etc.
You see the thing that stood out for me the most, and I’m sure I won’t win any friends by saying this, was the amount of in-authenticity in the conference room.
Now I know that everyone puts on their final acts, dresses their best and puts their best foot forward to promote their business and themselves, and don’t get me wrong there were some absolutely amazing and authentic women.
But there was also a lot of in-authenticity.
And perhaps the reason I felt it so clearly is because I felt like an absolute fraud even for being there.
I felt like I was dressed in my new clothes, and new shoes, and nails done etc, but it wasn’t really me.
It wasn’t the me who sometimes stays in my pjs all day, doesn’t brush my hair and who used the very last of our savings for my trip.
Here I was pretending to be this amazing business owner,
who wants to change the world,
when all I really felt like was a mum a long way from home,
in a big city,
with a big dream and a huge desire to help other mums and give my kids the opportunities that I never had.
So if I was feeling this way? Was it my energy they were picking up on and reflecting it back to me?
Or were they in some way feeling like I was?
I will never really know.
But what I do know is I felt this way because I was comparing myself to all of these successful and amazing women.
I was comparing the raw, the vulnerable me, to the final acts that all of these women were portraying.
I was comparing me where I was at the beginning of my journey to where they were on their journeys,
which in some instances was years and years ahead of me.
It got me down so much that on the second day of the event I broke down.
I remember being in my bathroom in my hotel room in the morning with tears streaming down my face telling myself that I didn’t belong there.
That no-one really liked me and they were all just pretending.
All of my memories of not being liked at school came flooding back, and being bullied and of all the girls talking about me behind my back – it all hit me like a ton of bricks.
All I wanted to do was pack my bags and get on the next flight home.
But I’m too stubborn.
I had already booked and paid for a coaching session the next day.
And I really wanted to meet my coach who I had spoken to so many times over the phone.
I was too stubborn to let that session go.
So I got dressed and headed down stairs, arriving late to the morning.
And I’m so glad I picked myself up, and put my big girl panties on.
Because my beautiful mentor, Ali Brown, gave a talk about the windy road to success.
And how when we step into a life changing opportunity things get really wonky, as she calls it.
All of our fears of being alone, lack of experience, doubt, criticism, disapproval, alienated, not good enough and being a fraud, to name a few, all come up for us.
Challenges get put in our way.
one, so we will start at looking for new ways to move forward,
two, to push us to grow and transform to be the person we need to be when we get the success that we are moving towards,
and three because I also think the Universe likes to test us a bit.
And this is what Ali calls the wonky zone, where most people give up, throw their hands up, and say its too hard.
This is the part right before the breakthrough.
Moving through the wonky zone gets you to the breakthrough.
And that was my breakthrough.
That moment there.
That moment I came to the realisation that everything before that had been my wonky zone.
I was about to have a breakthrough damn it, and I had.
All of these things:
- the unavailability of my banking provider on the day I was leaving, so I had no cash
- my bumpy flight,
- the jet lag,
- having to move rooms because of the barking dogs at the kennel next door
- the cold shower in my new room that couldn’t be fixed despite being told it was and having to move rooms at 11:00 at night
- moving back to the dogs
- slow internet in my room, so not being able to connect with my family
- my breakdown
- and getting locked out of my room
I now had a picture, and path in my mind that I could go to every time things get wonky
For every time a challenge comes up on my path towards my dreams.
You see here’s the thing, we know for us whats really going on behind closed doors.
We know that we had a big fight with our spouse last night.
We know that we are going through challenges with being a mum,
running a business,
keeping a home running,
feeding our kids healthy nutritious food, and
loosing friends because they can’t possibly understand how you can think so highly of yourself to charge, let alone get paid that much per hour.
We know this stuff, because we experience it.
We do not see what goes on behind the closed doors of these beautiful successful business owners.
We do not know that to get to that $10,000 per month, she had to borrow $8000 to invest in working with a coach, and was down to her last pennies.
We do not know that to get to be the successful business owner she now is, the over night success that we see, was actually 20 years in the making.
We do not see that she can not afford to eat at the hotel restaurant, so has to go to taco bell across the road.
We do not see where these ladies have been, and what they go though when they are home behind closed doors.
Any why because everyone is so fearful that they will be found out.
That people will judge them.
That they will be outed and alone.
That they will appear as being unprofessional, and who would want to work with them now.
They do not want us to know they are going through their own wonky stage.
When truly all we really want is to know that its ok to go through these things.
That just as we journey through it now, so have they before us.
We just want to know that they are human, and do have challenges and that its truly ok.
So I am here to tell you that things do get wonky.
And there are challenges on your path.
And its truly ok.
Its ok to have a break down. Its ok to feel the fear. Its ok to let those feelings come up from high school to be released.
Its truly is ok.
And when you are done.
You put your big girl pants on, and show your brave face to the world.
It doesn’t make you less of mother, lover, entrepreneur, sister, wife or daughter.
That just makes you human.
Experiencing the path of breakthroughs, growth and expansion.
And at that moment you are exactly where you are supposed to be, and where you are is perfect for you.
Because you can never be anywhere else than right here right now.
With all that you are and all that you have.
I love you gorgeous.
Love and gratitude