photo(That’s my little big Sebastian – isn’t he scrumptious)

This is a bit of a different post for me. Its a bit vulnerable and heart felt. Its part of me shedding my outer protective coating to let you all see the real me. Before the birth of my Sebastian, my angel guidance kept telling me that a time for transformation was going to happen. Having been completely transformed after the birth of my previous two children, I understood this concept, but could not imagine what else to expect. Well this transformation is about me stopping trying to show that I have it all together. To let you see the vulnerable little girl inside of me, and hope that someway this will help you to connect with that little child inside of you, and give you something you need to get through your transformation, and the challenges on your journey.

To know that its not just you, you are not broken, and you are most certainly not alone in your journey.
Our growth, challenges and journey are like an onion, and each layer we reveal some more of our soul. This is me starting to bare my soul. And over the coming weeks I will be writing about my journey of healing into wholeness yet again. I hope you enjoy the ride.

I was so prepared for the most natural birth with my recent baby. I had meditated, filled my ipod with soothing music and tunes, visualised being in the bath, fitball or what ever I needed to do to help my body do what it was made to do. Dim lights, candles, massage oil – everything I needed and wanted. So imagine my dismay, shock and complete and utter denial when my doctor said c-section.

My big beautiful boy just didn’t want to come out the natural way, and I don’t think my body wanted that either – no dilation and no progressing. My two previous births were natural, so the though of having a caesar scared the hell out of me.

To say I cried was an understatement. I cried when they explained the procedure. I cried as I sat while the anesthetist put in my spinal block. I cried as they laid me down, despite the nurses best efforts to make me talk about my other children to take my mind of off everything. I cried when my doctor walked in and asked if I’d stopped crying. I cried when the pediatrician came in.

I cried because I was petrified. But also because for some reason I felt like less of a mum. I felt like a failure as a woman for not being able to birth my baby the way nature had intended. I cried for all the times I had be judgmental of c-section mums and never been understanding of what they experienced or went through.

I cried when my beautiful son came into the world, all 10lb3 of him. Not because I was sad but because I was so grateful that he was here, safe and sound. I still cry when I look at him. Not tears of sadness, but tears of extreme love and gratitude. Tears of knowing how lucky, blessed I am to have 3 gorgeous, healthy and scrumptious babies, when some people aren’t even able to have one.

And as I started to bond with my beautiful boy and heal, I remembered something which my doctor had said to me earlier – “its not just about you. Its about getting your baby out in the safest way possible for both you and your baby.”

I came to the realisation that when other souls are involved it isn’t just about about us and what we want. When co-creating with other little souls it is about their journey as well and sometimes what we want goes against their free will. And sometimes there is a great lesson for us to learn in the ways things turn out – although we can’t always see it at the time.

For some reason this is the way my beautiful boy was to come into this world. And my lesson in this has been to not be so judgmental of mums who do not give birth the way nature had intended.  To come to the understanding that no matter how our children enter the world we do indeed give birth to them. Our children come from our bodies through no small effort on our part. We grow and carry our children within our bodies, nourish them with our blood, feel them move, talk to and connect with them, fall in love with them before they were born, and longed for the day to meet the. Then we most certainly do give birth, regardless of how they exit our bodies. And that most of all I am a  great mum and a beautiful divine soul who was chosen by this little soul to be its mum, no matter how he chose to enter the world.

And as I heal on all levels (more of that to come in another post) I have a great respect and admiration for all mums, matter how they birth their babies. And now having experienced both sides of the fence I know the pros and cons of both.

I also came to the realisation that sometimes when things don’t always go according to plan, we come out of the other side having been through some great lessons,  being transformed, with the realisation that we really are stronger than we can ever have imagined. Challenging situations are sent to us as our most important teachers. Without them our souls would not grow.

Always remember that without darkness the stars would not shine.

Keep shining your light on the world, you beautiful Divine soul.

Love and gratitude

xoo