Its been so long since I posted….between perfection and not knowing where the fuck I’m going – I thought it was easier to just not even try.
After all, in a world full of primping and polishing, and perfection and posturing – the imperfect normal writing of an every day mum can seem kind of bland and boring.
But yesterday as I was driving, this came to me.
That longing to open my home and heart more, to do impromptu videos or calls – but I never do.
I always thought it was because I was afraid of rejection.
Afraid, to those thoughts, why the fuck would anyone want to listen to you.
what if you have noting to talk about. and oh gasp, what if no one shows up – its been so long….
But under that is more…..
Under that is the fear that the curtin will be pulled back, and the impression that I show on line will crumble.
And just like in the wizard of OZ, where they pull back the curtain and the mighty magical wizard of Oz is just a little old man peddling for his dear life, trying to keep the impression of being great and magical going (or something like that)…..
Everyone will see behind my curtain.
I’m afraid that they will see the true me.
That they will hear the yells and screams of my kids as they fight and bicker amongst each other.
That they will hear my husband yell as he loses his patience for his van being trashed, or his tools being wrecked.
Or that they will know I let my kids watch way too much TV, or sometimes don’t eat the healthiest – especially on weekends.
Or that at any given time I’m a mess between trying to figure things out, not crying and feeling so incredibly tired that I could sleep anywhere.
That there is a pile of clean washing the size of Mt Everest in my bedroom, and finding nickers and socks is like an adventure that we are not sure we’ll return from (ok I exaggerate – but you get what I mean).
I don’t want them to hear my son whining if he can play more games, or me saying no to arts and crafts because I don’t want to clean up more mess – or worse saying yes, then my kids leaving the mess, not cleaning it up and me losing my shit.
And in truth I actually love my life.
I love its guts to pieces and everything and everyone about it and in it.
And I love me, mostly.
But I don’t actually want anyone to see that.
I don’t want anyone to see how truly messy and chaotic my life really is.
I don’t want anyone to know to see in that split second how it is.
I don’t want anyone to see that I actually have no fucken idea what I’m doing.
I’m afraid that they will see that I’m a fakey McFakey pants.
That what I portray isn’t really whats going on.
In fact its a lot more messy, noisy, volatile, crazy, cooky and emotional that I ever let anyone see.
Because perhaps that is all anyone would hear or see.
Perhaps all of the ‘bad’ is all they would remember.
They wouldn’t see when the pendulum swings the other way.
They wouldn’t see the love notes my daughter writes and leaves me all over the house.
They wouldn’t see the candle for patience my son lights for my husband.
They wouldn’t see the cuddles early in the morning when we all pile in the parental bed and cuddle and snooze together.
They wouldn’t see the sweet nothings we whisper each others ears – the “I love you like a bathtub full of butterflies”, or “I love you immeasurably”.
They wouldn’t see the times we say have said no, and explained that our job as parents is to keep our kids healthy and safe, and some things go against that.
They wouldn’t see the times we have walked away to not loose it.
They wouldn’t see the tender moments between my husband and I.
They wouldn’t see the sweet bedtimes when I whisper sweet angel prayers into my kids ears.
Or the loving way I sprinkle them with love as I check on them all before I go to bed.
They would see the unbelievable amount love and balanced with frustrated outbursts, and noise, our family exudes.
They wouldn’t see the way we bring balance into your lives.
The way we swing between the pendulum or ‘good’ and ‘bad’ (if we want to use societies labels).
But why is is so hard to let others see these parts of us?
Those parts of us that we feel are ‘bad’ ‘naughty’ or wrong?
Because that is what we learnt or were told as children, in our training to become good citizens of society.
When we talked to much, we were told we like the sound of our own voices, – like that was a bad thing – and we believed it.
Or even worse we were told to shut up – so we did, and locked our truth away.
When were told that we weren’t allowed to be angry or let that anger out – so we don’t and then explode, and then have shame when we do.
When we were told that being messy, is dirty and naughty, so we hide it.
When we were told to behave, sit still and listen, so we did, and our wild and free selves were caged.
When we were told to not touch our privates or let it all hang out – because it was dirty or not proper.
But then all of these things we denied, would push through.
And come out in ways we could never have expected.
Kicking a hole in the door, fighting with our siblings, parents or anyone who got on our back, wagging school, rebelling against everything and everyone…and the list goes on.
Then these times may be surrounded by more shame, as those around us thought we had lost it, gone crazy or deserted us.
And so further and further these parts of ourselves would be pushed down.
And the more disconnected from our essence we would become.
And the more they were pushed and denied the more they would come out in rebellious and destructive behaviours projected onto anyone and everything in our paths.
And then we would hit rock botton, wondering what the fuck is wrong with us.
Why are we so fucked up.
Feeling like we were broken.
So beyond repair that there was never any hope.
Tears would fall, depression may set in and the darkness becomes suffocating.
Until in this place, perhaps we are lucky enough that a light begins to shine.
It may be in the form of an Earth angel, a book, or a piece of writing that helps to pull you out of the darkness.
That lighthouse of hope and love that shines so bright so we can find our way through the rocky terrain that is own darkness inside.
And as you slowly start to remember and reclaim all the parts of yourself.
Slowly you begin to reconnect. First outside of you, and then within you.
Until one day, sitting with a beloved mentor, those last pieces of yourself come back into view and memory.
You connect to the deepest parts of yourself and the tears fall.
She sees you, the true you, and loves you just as you are.
And through that you begin to see yourself through her eyes and you realise you were never truly broken or with parts of you missing – you just forgot where you put them.
And you remember.
Oh how you remember.
You remember everything about you.
You venture to reclaim those parts of you that are still hidden away.
And each time connecting deeper, bringing more of you to the light, the darkness becomes less frightening.
And yet while you are more comfortable with yourself, and aware of your triggers – yet you are still not sure whether you are ready to stand there naked for the world to see.
For the world to judge.
Because they will.
Because they have not yet claimed all of the parts of themselves.
And that will trigger them.
And in truth, I still judge myself – just a little.
Yeh sure walking around your home without pants and a bra is one thing (if you get my metaphor), but opening the door walking out onto the busiest street sitting down and exposing yourself for your community to see is another.
I am getting braver.
I am getting more comfortable with who I am am.
I have ventured into my shadows so my darkness no longer scares me – but it might scare others who haven’t ventured into their shadows.
And I’m not sure I feel ready for the full blown exposure yet.
So perhaps I will just pull back my own little curtain a bit more, and those who feel guided can peek inside?
Love and hugs
PS I’m about to launch my spiritual women’s circles (mother and child circles to come as well) – these will be in-person for now. Think meditation, truth telling, sacred connection without judgement, sound healing, releasing, intention ceremonies, and most of all dancing and movement. Sprinkling my own wisdom and divine guidance with my learnings from shamanic practices, Red Tent, moon wisdom and womb healing. Make sure you jump on my list here to get all of the details.